I "Saw" The Light!

Last night was my first Bariatric Surgery seminar....  I arrived on time - well about 15 minutes early - and found the place without problems.  Oh, and if you're wondering, I did dress very smartly!  A very nice woman (can't remember her name, but it's in my trusty notebook!) gave me one of those clip boards with a form to fill out for the Dr.  I reached up to the top of my head, no glasses......   Looked in my purse, no glasses...  Looked in my portfolio, no glasses...  This is starting out just dandy!  My Son took my car while I was at the seminar, so he's long gone by now...  No glasses...  And, of course the room is dimmed nice and cozy like - no glasses..  I take the form out into the hallway where the light seemed almost blinding and begin to fill it out.  I am sure I looked like Magoo with the clip board 2 inches from my face!   To the best of my knowledge I filled it out and stayed within the lines - we'll see how well I filled it out when they call me back to ask to translate it.  Anyway, I return to the dimly lit, cozy room which had gotten fuller by the time I filled out my form, and I noticed something "creepy".  Let me preface that with a self clarification.  I do not, nor have I ever "categorized", "labelled" or put people that I don't know into "little boxes"...  But, it was looking right at me, staring me in the face - overwhelmingly, so - this room was full of very large people!!  FAT people!  OH MY BLESSED HEAVEN!  I AM A FAT PERSON!!  Now, I think I know what you're thinking right now, it is not that I didn't know that I had a weight problem before, but being in that room put a stamp on it for me.  A big, red, stamp - a bulls eye - that read "FAT PERSON".  Not normally one to obsess about my largess, I begin feeling self conscious and lower than I have felt in a very long time.  Tears actually welled up in these baby blues...  What a slug I am for doing this to myself - for having to be here in the first place!  I was really beating myself up at that point, and pretty thoroughly too.  So what does one do who has just been punched by a self-demoralizing hammer??  I sit right up FRONT so that I don't miss one blessed word!

Then it hit me..  This is the test I've been waiting for!!  This is IT!  So often, we who are "size challenged" are treated differently than others.  We can be made to feel that it is OUR fault, OUR weakness, OUR doing - and that we're not "worthy" to be among the thin and the beautiful..  Perhaps I have a chip on my shoulder, but I've seen it - and so have many others.  I put my feelers up.  What is Dr. Ali and his office staff going to be doing with not one, but a room FULL of  "size challenged" folks...  We shall see...

And "see" I did - even without my glasses!  I and everyone there was treated kindly, professionally, with respect, and with care.  The minute the seminar began to its very end I felt nothing of the self loathing I had packed on myself earlier.  There were no fingers pointing at me, no accusations, no judgements.  They took their time with us, answsered every question, explained insurance issues, and what is to be expected from us pre-surgery, and what to expect throughout the experience, before, during and after..  They were there to help...

I walked out of there a New Person, so to speak.  Full of expectation, anticipation and excitement to begin this phase of my journey.   I took plenty of notes in my trusty notebook and I have begun compiling the many lists of things that I will need to have before my initial consult visit with Dr. Ali.  In other words, I left my chip out in the hall where it belongs - out in the stark, cold light - and stepped into the warm, welcoming room of those who really want to help me to be the person I need to be.  And another thing I learned from this experience is that, yes - I am a fat person.  Will that be what I am a year from now??  Two years??  I don't know that answer to that one, nor do I really care.  But, I am now confident that this is the road that I need to take to be a HEALTHIER person.  Not just for this year or the next, but for the rest of my life!

Until next time!