I am involved in a sticky situation - a dilemma - that maybe you can help me with. If it weren't so serious an issue, it would be listed under B in the "bizarre" file.. I have a friend, M. She has serious psychological issues - very serious. I don't know what happened in her past, but it is so terribly sad to see a human being so paranoid and afraid of everyone and everything. She really believes that everyone she comes in contact with is out to hurt her, undermine her, or usurp her "authority" as a parent and as a person. I am not sure how we came to be friends, but we did. I think I felt sorry that no one really spoke to her, avoided her - and she always looked so sad, so lonely. She attends my Church and that is where we first met. We talked, had lunch a few times, and became friends. I couldn't understand why everyone avoided her, but as the friendship grew, her psychological issues kept creeping more and more into our friendship. It got to the point that I became the only one (even out of her her immediate family) that she would talk to.
Some background.... She and her husband have four children. Three sons, who have grown and have gotten as far away from home as possible. Her oldest son went into the marines and now lives close to DC. Her other two sons have gone to college and have now moved hours away from home - they've gotten as far away from home as they possibly could. Their remaining child, a daughter, ran away from home about a year ago - and has done so several times since then. She spent time in a hospital, and is now in foster care - CYS got involved and there is a court order which bars her parents from seeing her. Throughout all this, I've remained close to M, and have allowed her to use me as her shoulder to cry on, her confidant, and her friend. Now that doesn't mean that I took any of her nonsense - we had several arguments during this awful time, mostly due to her over-protectiveness and her inability to allow her daughter to become a grown woman - she insists that her daughter is still a little girl who needs protection from all the ills that are out in the "evil" world, and I insisted that if she didn't allow her to grow, she too would run far away from her as soon as she turned 18 - which is in three months - as her brothers had done.
Here is where the shit hit the proverbial fan... About the time that the daughter (MC) ran away from home, she (MC) sent me a friend request on facebook. She has called me a few times as well, and we have had some wonderful girly conversations (clothes, jewlry, homecoming dances, boyfriends...). I accepted her friend request and have taken her calls because I feel that maybe she just needs a woman to talk to - one who doesn't judge her, her friends, her choices of music or her thoughts. Just one who listens... And, just as I've kept her mother's conversations confidential, I have kept MC's conversations with me confidential as well - girl to girl. I would do this for any young person who needed an adult to talk to, and MC is a special woman - I have a place in my heart for that one because I see the good in her, and want to help her in anyway that I can.. Anyway, M - her mother - found out recently that I have been friends with her daughter and was speaking to her "behind my back and without my express permission to do so" - her words. She flipped on me - completely and totally flipped - in CHURCH of all places - right there, in front of the Tabernacle, she went absolutely and positively crazy this past weekend... She just went berserk and went off on me.. After she went through her red faced and bulging eyed dialogue, I calmly told her (M) that in no uncertain terms that she, nor anyone else, has the right or authority to dictate whom I or anyone else - and that includes her daughter - may choose as friends either on facebook or anywhere else - get over it... I also said that if she thought, after all this time we've been friends, that I would do anything to intentionally hurt her or her daughter she was OUT OF HER MIND!! She stormed off and we haven't spoken since.
I will admit that my initial reaction was to throttle her right then and there - but I kept my cool.. Now I'm feeling soooo guilty that I told her she was "out of her mind" and to "get over it".. But, for all intents and purposes - she is out of her mind.. My saying so probably didn't help her any though.. I've spoken to her husband awhile back, and he told that he has taken her to doctor after doctor. She does well at first, but the minute things start to heat up she says they're hurting her and she quits going to therapy and quits taking her medicine. I've spoken to her about getting therapy to help her AND her family - only to be unfairly accused by her of being like everyone one else in saying that their problems are all her fault and no one elses - just like everyone else, I'm blaming her. They are her fault I feel, but throughout this whole ordeal, I just tried to be her friend...
I've taken so much of her crap, her wild mood swings, her yelling, her ups, her downs - WAY downs, for over two years. On the surface she is a gentle soul who looks and acts as though she needs protection and care, that she needs a friend.. Inside she is full of hateful rage and anger and explodes at the first inclination that anyone may be doubting her. I know she needs psychological help and I've tried to steer her in that direction. I've tried.. Lord knows I've tried to be her friend.. It would be easy for me to just say "to hell with you" and walk away - and I've wanted to do so for such a long time.. But, there is a part of me that understands that mental illness is a sickness just like any other sickness - and should be dealt with with care, concern and compassion.. I feel that I am letting her down, making the matter worse, or hurting her more than she has already been hurt.. It is an awful feeling, and I don't like feeling this way at all. Help..... What would you do??
I'm off to ponder some more......
...Until next time
3 * Your Comments Make My Day Brighter!:
What a awfully hard situation to be in.
For what its worth, I think that you handled it beautifully. Your "out of your mind" comment is just a figure of speech, you would say it to anyone else without a mental health issue and think nothing of it so I wouldn't worry about that.
The choice is yours as to what you do about your friendship, she sounds like really hard work. Might be worth just seeing how things pan out with the mother, she may apologise she may decide to ignore you, I would maybe see what she does and follow her lead.
You have been a fantastic friend to both her and her daughter, you have nothing to reproach yourself about.
Please try not to worry.
I have had a friend like her in the past! First of all I am sorry you are going through this. It is hard to be the brunt of anger especially when you feel you've been such a good friend to her when no one else has tried at all.
I would put this out of your mind as best you can. Knowing that you have done nothing out of the ordinary. Hopefully she can see reason and come back around or she will lose you as a friend. If she does come back and see the error of her ways then you might feel like apologizing just to keep the happy flow going. Like Alison said I would see how it pans out.
Mental Illness is hard to deal with all the way around. Sometimes it takes tough love. You can not force someone to take their meds when they are an adult. You can certainly not force them to see reason. But you can control how you decide to respond. Just remember to stay safe because they can be so un-predictable. Those poor children and her husband...what a shame she is plauged with this illness. I would not wish it on an enemy. Feel bad for her and help her as much as you can but know that if she doesn't "want" to be helped then there is little you can do.
I also had a friend like that through work. Things got to the point where I had to give her some of that 'tough love' and helped to set up some assistance she needed through HR at work...I was proud of her for accepting the help as I was afraid she wouldn't, but it was just a band-aid for the bigger issues. I finally realized that I'd done as much for her as I could. We drifted apart when I moved to a new dept.
Here's what you need to see. You've been an outstanding friend and support to them both. You already realize that you can't take how she reacted/feels personally as it's the disease talking. If even her family can't inspire her to get help then she probably won't. The only thing you have left to do is to wait and see if she comes to you (if she does, I'd consider having a frank discussion with her about how you feel about things, maybe suggest avenues for help for her)...if not, forgive her for the disease and let go.
Post a Comment
Thanks for stopping by!!