The Blame Game

I'm having a few issues these days, weighty issues that have been "weighing me down" lately.  The "Blame Game" I call it.  "Why have I gotten so fat?", "What is wrong with me?", "I feel like a failure...", "What have I done to myself in letting myself get this way?". "What if I make the wrong choices today?", "Who am I doing this for?", "It's her fault, his fault, their fault....", "I ate too much pizza, chocolate, ice cream...", "Did I chew enough, cut things up small enough, drink enough water??" - The list goes on and on.. 

I'm done crying.  Yes, I said it..  I AM DONE CRYING.  I am FAT.  I have borderline diabetes.  I have sleep apnea.  My cholesterol is too high for my liking.  I have arthritis worse than most eighty year olds I know, and I sound like I've run a 5K race going up the stairs - I am FAT.  So.... do I bet all my cash on the blame game??  Pick door number two??  Who's fault is it??  Behind door number two is my Parents (Parents are always good to blame in a pinch), the children who didn't allow me into their click because I didn't look like them, or how about the boys who looked past me, seeing the wet t-shirt girl in college...  OR, do I choose door number three??  Behind that door is my depression..  My moods..  If I'm happy, I eat, if I'm sad, I eat, if I am pissed, I eat, if I am bored, I eat...  Which to choose???  I choose door number ONE - I am FAT because I've consumed too many calories and have not exercised enough - I like to eat.  Period.  BINGO.  I've doubled my cash. 

Is that your final answer??  What are my choices again??  A) Too much pizza, candy, ice cream.  B) Chew, chew, chew - cut it up smaller chew some more.  C)  drink, drink, drink.  OR  D)  Making the right food choices, proteins, fats, carbs, calories....  Uhmmm  Can I phone a friend??  Poll the audience??  Take answers away??  HELP!!  If I make the WRONG food decisions today, will I get voted off???  Survey says!

I've come to the conclusion that I have beaten myself up horribly over food issues, and the interior bruises are slow to heal.  But, it's precisely this self image beating that has gotten me where I am today - FAT.  These same self loathing issues have caused sad and serious health problems in so many other people - bulimia, anorexia, depression, the list goes on, and in the worst cases, death.  I believe it is time for me to stop playing the blame game of self loathing and to begin loving and respecting the woman who is crying out for me to change the way I've been living so that I can have a fuller, healthier and longer life.  She knows me as no other - and drives me to becoming the best I can be.  She looks out for me.  She is... me. 

In other words, I need to stop looking at or to others, or to to the causes as the reasons why I am FAT and simply realize the fact that I am - and have been for a long time.  For me blaming is not helpful - I need to look at myself.  I am here, this is my situation now, so what am I going to do about it?  I can sit and cry into an entire bag of potato chips - or - I can "WOman up" and do something about it.  I choose to do the harder, stronger thing...  "WOman up".

I don't cater to society's image of "the perfect woman", and I am not a rabbit nibbling on grass - I am a carnivore who enjoys eating steak, damn it!  What I need to do is accept who I am, stop the self loathing and realize that I am a good person who has made some bad choices.   And..  and this is a big "AND"..  I need to re-learn how to make better life choices so that I can enjoy better health.  I don't know right now how this will ultimately be done (smaller steak portions??) .  Perhaps I will qualify for lap-band, who knows?  That could be a good tool.  I am not looking for an "end game" here either. I refuse to change who I am or to believe that life will be perfect once I lose 100 pounds.  But, with or without a medical tool, changing my way I think about food, diet and exercise is something I must do.  This isn't a "Deal or No Deal" situation we're talking about here.. 

I embrace and thank the woman within who is nagging me like a fishwife to do this.  I appreciate her and it is for her I will take that first step.  She has taught me that if I don't love her, how can I expect to love those around me.  Will I learn a new lifestyle overnight?  Of course not.  Will I make mistakes - yup, I'm only human.  Here's the hard part..  Will I revert back to beating myself up, knocking myself down because I've fallen off the wagon??   

Only if I want to play the blame game and take home the consolation prize...  A lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni.....

Until next time!